Love Myself....!

Hi, I’m back after 3 years. I have finished my Ordinary level exams and am waiting for my results. I’m still 15, though. Yes, I reached my teens and I have to say, I had quite an adventure.

First of all, myself. I had some rough times with myself during these few years. Let’s just say, I was battling against myself. How?

Well, as I reached my teens, I began to care about how others saw me, I started to compare myself with others and ended up hating myself. I knew I was different, but I saw it in a bad way. I used to stay isolated, away from everyone, almost invisible. I was scared, “If talked the way I do, if I showed what I knew and who I am, would I be accepted as a friend?” This was a question which circled my head every day. It kind of got confirmed on a school day.

Well, I didn’t post it but I know quite a lot about mythology. Hindu and Greek, mostly. So I knew the story, Ramayana. One day at school, a friend of mine was interested in listening to the story, so she asked me, “Could you tell me the story of Ramayana?” I obliged. And I started narrating the story the way I always did. Then out of nowhere, another girl comes over after eavesdropping and asked me, “Do you believe in Ravana?” What on earth….? How was that relevant in any way to what I was doing? Well, I wanted to narrate my story in peace so I said the truth: No. Then she went and asked the teacher in the loudest voice possible, the same question. Then the others were aroused and they asked why. She just blabbed it out! Then everyone started teasing me for it. Mocked me, to be exact. Then I knew one thing and one thing only: my knowledge is worth nothing, it’s only worth being mocked at. Of course I cried. After heading home, call me crazy, I took my 365 tales of mythology book and in a second it was on the floor. Yup, I threw it on the floor in anger and frustration.

Then I started hating myself like crazy. I certainly didn’t want to see my face in the mirror because, if I did, I’d only be cursing at my reflection. “You ugly beast!” I’d shout, “You are a worthless louse! Why can’t you be as studious as ……..? Why can’t you be creative like ……….? (I’m keeping my friends anonymous, please bear with me.) Why do you even live? Now you won’t ever be accepted by anyone you twit! ...............” And I’d use at least 50 swear words on myself. I simply hated myself.

It was during this time a K-pop (Korean pop) group named BTS entered my life. 

Their songs I found to be quite relatable. So I started listening to their songs as well. (DON’T JUDGE!)

One day I found me blaming at myself because my school mates mocked me yet again and my parents blamed me for not doing my studies properly. I didn’t know when this would end. I thought I’d listen to a song and forget about it for a bit. So I went on YouTube and……… there was this song:

I thought, “Meh, I’ll just watch this.” I watched it, read the lyrics, ended up crying. Hoping that you don’t get bored, here are the lyrics (meaning):

I’m opening my eyes in the darkness
When my heartbeat sounds unfamiliar
I’m looking at you in the mirror
The fear-ridden eyes, asking the question

Loving myself might be harder
Than loving someone else
Let’s admit it
The standards I made are more strict for myself
The thick tree rings in your life
It’s part of you, it’s you
Now let’s forgive ourselves
Our lives are long, trust yourself when in a maze
When winter passes, spring always comes

From the eyes of the cold night
I try to hide myself
As I keep tossing and turning
Maybe I fell in order to take the place of those countless stars
The target of thousands of bright arrows is me alone

(*)You’ve shown me I have reasons
I should love myself (oh)
I’ll answer with my breath, my path
The me of yesterday, the me of today, the me of tomorrow
(I’m learning how to love myself)
With no exceptions, it’s all me

Maybe there’s no answer
Maybe this isn’t the answer either
It’s just that loving myself
Doesn’t require anyone else’s permission
I’m looking for myself again
But I don’t wanna die anymore
Me, who used to be sad
Me, who used to be hurt
It’ll make me more beautiful

Yes, I have that beauty
Knowing that is going
On the path to loving myself
It’s what I need the most
I’m walking for myself
It’s an action needed for me
My attitude towards myself
That’s the happiness I need for me
I’ll show you what I got
I’m not afraid because it’s me
Love myself

From the very beginning
To the very end
There’s only one answer
Why do you keep trying to hide under your mask? (hey)
Even all the scars from your mistakes make up your constellation

*……

Inside of me
There’s still
That awkward part of me but

*……..

This got me. This was me. All the times I cursed myself, how much I hated myself flashed in front of me.

Then, another thing happened. I saw traits which……..were only mine. I love mythology. I love philosophy. I love all about time, space and the cosmos. I can sing. I can dance. I can write, and I have a whole blog to prove it! No one knows about these. Only I do.

I realized; only I know who I am, no one else. Only I understand myself. I’m different, yes, but that makes me……..unique! If others can’t accept me for who I am, it isn’t my fault. So why should I care about what they say about me? They only know a part of me.

I don’t need to wear my mask anymore. I am not afraid of myself. I know myself, and

I LOVE MYSELF!!!!!

So I have only one message to deliver:

You should face yourself,

In order to forgive yourself,

So you can love yourself.